I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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