Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My life is pants optional.
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