census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
