i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
