I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
