i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
