oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
