god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
