I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?