why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Semen is not good for contacts.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.