I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
