my soul wont recognize me after tonight
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
