you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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