Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
