She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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