I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
