I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
