it's too hot outside to masturbate.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
