I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
