I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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