im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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