I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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