At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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