Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
