There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
