Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
