im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
