Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
