She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
