So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
