Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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