i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
