Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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