Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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