Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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