o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What a dumb baby whore.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
