So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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