my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
we're so committed to being not committed
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
