OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
