I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I need to calm my uterus...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
