I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it's great music for shaving your balls
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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