Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Pants are for mortals
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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