3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
