Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
