Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
