Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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