I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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