I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
