You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
so much tequila, so little girl.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
