john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
