Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
