I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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