remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
