Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
