11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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