hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
