my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
