Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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